5-10 Minutes

Today, I woke up with a mission, a direction and a purpose. It all crumbled around 2:30 this afternoon. I went to church at Westwood and knew God was going to speak, but I wasn’t sure how. To say that I was up-ended is an understatement.

Last week, my mom had heart surgery. She has lived with her heart in constant a-fib for about the last 12 years or so. Her heart was beating so fast and out of rhythm, I imagine it was like running full speed everyday. All day. Finally she and her doctor decided enough was enough. She went in on Wednesday morning and came out with a new pace maker. There were lots of other more complex things that happened, but I will save those for another day!

When the surgery was over, her doctor, Dr. Hanna, came into the room and said that she did great (we knew she would!) and that she would be back in the room in 5-10 minutes. So, we anxiously waited. And waited. And sent out the requisite emails and text messages to family. And waited some more. Two hours later, they rolled her into the room, still quite drowsy-drunk from the anesthesia. I jokingly said that she was definitely here in 5-10 minutes--we just didn’t know when to start the count down!

I felt like that a lot this month. I’ve been waiting--waiting for God to answer--and I knew He was going to do it, I just didn’t know when. Apparently, my 5-10 minutes were up today @ 2:30 (give or take!). I lost my job. OK, I know where it is, so I didn’t actually lose it. It was taken from me. Without my permission and definitely without my cooperation. And in fear, I jumped on the first thing that came my way. In Budapest. Hungary. In Europe. And the process, at first, went really quickly. Before I knew it, I was being sent a contract in the mail. Fortunately, they require a face to face interview before hiring a prospective teacher. I couldn’t go there, and they couldn’t get here until this week. Tomorrow, to be exact. Without realizing it, God gave me the gift of time--He gave me my 5-10 minutes.

I have had a month to agonize over this decision. I have prayed. I have asked my family to pray. I have asked my friends to pray. I have read God’s word. I finally made a decision. I was going to go. Pack my bags, park Wally over at my parents until he could travel and I was off. Except I wasn’t feeling OK about it. I didn’t feel good about this decision. But I justified that it MUST be what God wants--it is the only door open to me. I have to pursue it since it is available. But I still didn’t want to tell anyone about it. I wasn’t ready. When asked by a friend about why I wanted to go, I told her it was because someone finally appreciated me. Really? So my 30 pieces of silver is appreciation?

So today at 2:30, I was on my way home from Sunday dinner and I was all of a sudden over come with unease. That is too weak a term for it, but that is what it was, just a LOT stronger. I just knew out of nowhere that I was about to make a terrible mistake. I felt like I was having a panic attack. I was crying (which for those of you who know me know that isn’t a big deal!) and I was doubting everything. I knew, in an instant, that I was about to make a huge mistake. God’s timing was perfect--he came in just the nick of time.

So I got home and called my mom. We talked for over 40 minutes. She kept telling me to seek God. I kept saying that all I wanted was to follow the path of obedience. But I don’t know what that path looks like for me. It has been the most agonizing afternoon of my life--the end the most agonizing month of my life. I have not been at peace--true peace--the Philippians 4:6-7 peace in a while. So I started to look at those verses and write it out using additional words to help me understand better what God is saying. My friend Ramsi challenged me to do this a while ago--it took some getting to! So here is Philippians 4:6-7:

6: Without delay (immediately!), be anxious, worried, fretful, or concerned for nothing--NOT EVEN ONE THING--but in everything by prayer--praying earnestly-- and making known your particular and specific need with thanksgiving let your requests, petitions and what's required be known to God.

7: And the peace--the ONE peace, quietness, rest--of God, which surpasses comprehension, understanding, & intellect, shall guard your hearts--the seat of your desires, feelings, affections, passions and impulses--and your minds perceptions, intellect and thoughts in Christ Jesus.  

I know all you English majors out there are dying to make grammatical corrections. I am, too, if truth be told. But I wanted to leave it in the raw state that I found it.

We all have similar needs when it comes to prayer--here are mine. Perhaps you will find that they echo yours...

PRAY:

That I will follow God's will--and that it be without fear.  I don't want to go where He doesn't want me and I don't want to stay in a place He has not prepared for me.  

That I will feel God's guidance as I take the very tricky steps tomorrow.  That the words I use will be pleasing to God and that they reflect His will, not my desires.

For God's provision--no matter which direction I go.  If I stay, that he will give me a job that will meet my needs and glorify him in the process.  If I go, that He will provide for Wally (sadly, my biggest concern!) and for my unknown needs while glorifying Him.

Finally, pray my heart will be filled with hope and joy, not fear and discouragement.  I know which ever way I go, it will be hard.  But, like Psam 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."